What My Heart Wants
by Greyhawk750
Summary: What happens when everything changes?
1. Chapter 1

This is an AU fic that takes place during The One With The Proposal

**What my heart wants**

"Let me see the ring again", Phoebe asked as Chandler handed her a small box, with a huge smile on his face. "I can't believe you're actually going to ask her to marry you", she said as she held the ring in her hand, watching the gem sparkle, before putting it back in the box and handing it to Chandler. "So when are you gonna pop the question", she asked and Chandler replied that he was going to take her to a fancy restaurant, and hide it, and place it in the bottle of wine. "Oh yea" Phoebe exclaimed with excitement, as Chandler said "Shhhh", trying to calm her down. "Nobody but you knows about this, and I want to keep it that way", as he made Phoebe swear on Smelly Cat that she would not say a word.

Monica was at work, busy in the kitchen complaining that her relationship with Chandler was going nowhere. "But you love him, don't you", her assistant said and she nodded and said "Of course I do, but I don't want to be in a relationship that has no future. I mean, Chandler is never going to commit... he is so afraid of commitment, and I can't wait for him to decided if he wants to grow up or not". It was later on in the evening, and Chandler and Monica were at a local pizza parlor.

"Chandler, I need to know something", Monica said her voice grave and serious. Chandler looked up at her, as she continued, "Did you really mean what you said about never getting married". Chandler replied that marriage was un-natural and nothing more than a way for the government to keep tabs on people. "What", Monica exclaimed in exasperation, "What the hell is that supposed to mean", waiting for Chandler to explain. "Look", he said, "I'm not saying marriage is wrong... it's just not right for me". Chandler's plan to throw Monica off-guard, seemed to be working in full swing.

"Then what the hell are we doing", she asked as she got up to leave. Chandler said "I love you, isn't that good enough"? Monica glared as she threw her napkin on the table and said "Not anymore". Chandler grabbed her hand, and said "I'm still the same Chandler I was yesterday and I still love you". Monica yanked her hand away, and said "But you just don't love me enough, to want to marry me", and stormed off as other patrons were watching the spectacle. "That's ok", Chandler said, "I have a plan".

It was the next day, and Monica was busy preparing a salad at work, still could not believe what had happened between her and Chandler the night before. She still loved him, but has come to realize they were too different and wanted different things. Chandler was against marriage, always has been and always will be... but if you had Chandler's parents, you would understand why. At times, he could be so stubborn and immature. Monica had to face the ugly truth: No matter how much she and Chandler loved each other, they were just to different.

One of the waiters came to the kitchen, saying somebody was there to see her and a few moments later, Richard entered the kitchen. "Oh God, what are you doing here". Richard smiled and said "Doing something I should have done a long time ago... I love you Monica Geller and would love to have kids with you, and give you everything you've ever needed and wanted". Monica said Richard didn't really want to have kids and he said that was the Old Richard, and the New Richard was ready. He got down on one knee and said "Monica, I am ready to start my life...my family with you. Will you marry me"


	2. Chapter 2

Chandler was pleased that his plan to throw Monica off guard seemed to be working quite well. He couldn't believe that in a few hours, he would ask her to marry him. As he ran up the stairs to go to his apartment to shower and shave, he was stopped by Rachel, who with a tear in her eye, handed Chandler a note. He opened the note and read "Chandler please know that I love you, and always will. But I have come to realize that we are just too different, and we want different things. I know that you will find the person who is right for you. Love always, Monica"

"What", Chandler exclaimed as he waded the note into a ball, and threw it down the hall. "Oh, sweetie I am so sorry", Rachel consoled as Chandler punched the wall in frustration. "How could this happen today. Especially today", Chandler lamented "I was going to propose today", he said as he showed Rachel the ring. "Oh my God...but Monica said...", she gasped as Chandler informed her that it was a plan to throw Monica off-guard. "Well it worked", Rachel said as she slapped Chandler across the head. "Since when did Monica have a sense of humor. You of all people should know that by now, Chandler Bing", Rachel exclaimed. "Where'd she go", Chandler asked.

There was a knock on the door, as Richard set down his drink and invited Monica inside. "What are you trying to do to me", she exclaimed as she sat down. "I want you to know that I have changed, and am ready to give you everything to have ever needed and wanted. If you marry me, I'll make sure you never want for anything". Monica sighed and said "But I love Chandler... and I love you, too". Richard joined her on the sofa and said "I have nothing against Chandler, and think he's a great guy. But you, yourself said he will never commit. You deserve somebody who knows what he has. I was stupid for letting you go, and promised myself that if I had the chance, I'd never let you go again"

It was a few hours later, as Chandler was pounding on Richard's door, yelling for him to open the door. Richard sighed and opened the door, as Chandler barged in and said "What the hell do you think you're doing". Richard turned off the TV and said "Well I WAS watching I Love Lucy". Chandler shook his head and said "No, I mean what the hell are you doing with Monica? You lost. You gave up. Who was there to pick up the pieces each time you had a fight? It was me, that's who. And you don't deserve her".

"I think that's for Monica to decide, Chandler", Richard said, and added "And Monica made her choice". Chandler asked what he meant, and Richard said he proposed to Monica, and she accepted. "That's a damned lie", Chandler fumed and Richard shrugged and said "Feel free to ask her yourself. She's at work right now... go ahead, give her a call and hear it from her own lips". He picked up the phone, and handed it to Chandler, who just threw it on the sofa.

"I was going to propose tonight. I only wanted to catch Monica off-guard". Richard rolled his eyes and said "Well, if it's any consolation, your plan worked well". Chandler sat on the sofa and said "But this can't be happening. I was going to propose to her". Richard sighed and said "Go to, and actually doing it are totally different. Chandler, you're a great guy. But Monica grew up. Isn't it about time you grew up, as well" Chandler leaped up off the sofa, took a swing at Richard, but missed by a mile

"WHOA", Richard shouted, "I am not the bad guy here, ok? Maybe the reason Monica chose me, is because I don't treat everything as one big joke. Did you ever consider that". Chandler took another swing at Richard, but he caught Chandler's arm, and hit him in the jaw, with his other hand". After a few seconds, Richard said "The only reason I don't totally kick your butt right here and now, is because I know your upset and angry. But if you dare try to lay another finger on me, I'll knock you thru the wall". He released Chandler and said "Face it, you didn't know what you had. Luckily for Monica, I do. You say you love her, so why don't you love her enough to let her be happy"


	3. Chapter 3

It was a few days later, as Chandler was sitting on the sofa, in what used to be their apartment. Monica and Ross were busy, moving the rest of her stuff out of the apartment, as Rachel glanced over at Chandler and silently mouthed "Tell her". Chandler just shook his head, and Rachel cried out "You are just so damned stubborn. Will you just tell her, already". Monica looked up and in a low-voice, refusing to make eye contact with Chandler said "Tell me what"

Chandler just sighed and replied "I'm just sorry that we were never able to work out". Monica nodded and said "I'm sorry too, Chandler, but maybe this is for the best. We never would have worked out, and I guess it's good that we found out now, rather than later". She took the key from her key ring and handed it to Chandler, before she and Ross gathered the last of her things, and left the apartment. Rachel shook her head and said "Chandler, why didn't you tell her". Chandler replied that it was over, and he lost out. "I can't believe you", Rachel shouted in anger, "I can't believe you are just going to give up, like that". She went on to say that he should go after her, and stop with the games, and tell her everything.

It was in the evening, as Monica was sitting on the sofa at Richard's living room, saying she could use a drink. "Gin with a twist, right", Richard asked as Monica smiled and said "You remembered". Richard just smiled as he poured her the drink, and placed it on a coaster. "It seems like we're right where we left off", Monica said as she took a sip of the drink, as Richard sat next to her and said "Not quite. Back then, I was not ready to start a family. But I am now... and not just because I have to".

Richard said that Chandler came by earlier and Monica groaned, apologizing for what had happened. "It's ok, Monica. Chandler just needed to blow off some steam". Monica nodded and replied "He really is a great guy we had a lot of fun, but now I want more than fun and pizza. Chandler will never grow up, and to him, life is nothing more than a joke. Now I like to joke around, as much as the next person, but there comes a time in a person's life, when they decide they want more". Richard leaned in to kiss her and replied "And I can give you more". Monica smiled and said "This is what I want. An adult relationship". As they kiss, Chandler knocks on the door, as Richard rolls his eyes and goes to answer it.

"Hey, Chandler what are you doing here", Richard asked. Chandler pretends he does not hear him, and said "Monica, can I please speak to you, for a few seconds". Richard just shrugged as Monica stepped outside, as Richard went back inside his apartment and shut the door. Chandler got down on one knee, and Monica said "Chandler, what are you doing"? Chandler told Monica all about the plan to throw her off-guard and said "That was stupid of me. But what's right is us... we're meant to be together Monica and you have to be blind not to see it". Chandler presented the ring and said "Monica, I'm thru with these stupid games, and I want you to know, that without you, life does not make any sense. Monica will you please marry me"

Monica said "Sweetie, you don't believe in marriage and it goes against everything you have ever said about it. I do love you, sweetie, but you don't want to get married. You're just afraid, right now. Afraid of not having anybody, but please believe me when I say that you will find somebody who is perfect for you... I have no doubt. But Chandler, honey, that person is not me". Chandler begged, saying "You're wrong. I believe in us, and I believe in us strong enough to ask you to marry me". Monica replied "I'm so sorry, Chandler. So very sorry. I have to get back to Richard". She entered the apartment, and shut the door, as Chandler wondered if he would ever quite be the same again.

He went to a local bar, to drown his sorrows and over-heard a young kid, about 19 or 20 yrs old, on a cell phone, talking to his buddy, saying how much he wanted to propose to his girlfriend, but didn't have enough money for a ring. Chandler thought for a few seconds, and as he was walking out of the bar, placed the ring on the kid's table and said "I hope this ring will bring you more luck, than it did me"


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: This is AU, and we are to assume Kathy is still with Joey

It was well past 1am, when Chandler was stumbling up the stairs, as Kathy and Joey cautiously enter the hallway, to investigate. "Chandler, your drunk", Kathy scolded as she and Joey helped him inside the apartment, as he collapsed on the sofa and passed out. "I'll make a pot of coffee", Joey offered as Kathy nodded in agreement as she went to the closet to grab a blanket for Chandler. "I feel bad for what happened to him", Kathy observed as she poured some coffee into a mug.

Chandler slowly came to, trying to shake the cobwebs out of his head, as Joey handed him some coffee and said "Dude, I am so sorry about you and Monica". Chandler took a sip of coffee and said "Why does this keep happening to me. I'm a good person, aren't I? Am I not entitled to just a little happiness". Kathy sat down next to Chandler and said "Of course you're a good person. You're kinda goofy and weird, but underneath all of that, you are a good person, Chandler"

Chandler shook his head and said "Then why does all of this crap happen to me. The minute I find even a little happiness, somebody or something else always takes it away. Maybe I'm just not meant to find anybody". Joey looked at him and said "Hey, if I can find somebody, so can you". Chandler sighed and said "But you have something to offer, You're talented and successful. Me? I only have wisecracks and one-liners. Joey has the charm, Ross has the brains, Phoebe has the spirituality, Rachel has the fashion sense, and I have nothing. Face it, Richard was right... I'm the joker, and that's all I will ever be"

Joey handed him another mug of coffee, as a tear rolled down his face and said "Why was he smiling". Joey and Kathy looked at each other puzzled, and Kathy asked "Why was who smiling, Chandler". Chandler said my dad and mom were getting into more and more fights, and he always threatened to leave, but I never thought he would. One day, I was sitting on the porch, reading my comic books, and my dad got into his car. He was smiling and seemed to be happy, and turned to me, gave me a big smile and drove off. I never saw him again, until years later"

"He knew he was leaving. He knew. But why was he smiling. Why was he happy about it", he continued. "I don't know why, Chandler. I just don't know why", Kathy softly replied. Chandler said he had to leave and Joey said "Leave? Leave to where". Chandler shook his head and said "Anywhere but here. I just need a place where I can have a fresh new start". Joey said, with anger in his voice, "I can't believe you! Once again, you're just going to run away, huh? Once again, when things get a little hot, you're going to bail. That's what your father did, right? And if you run away, you're no better than he is and you will become everything you hated about him. Now I can't stop you from running away, but if you do, you better not show your face around here, ever again"

"Calm down Joey. Chandler just needs to vent, right now", Kathy said. She turned to Chandler and said "All you need is just a good night sleep, and we'll figure out what to do in the morning". She made a bed for Chandler on the sofa, as he fell asleep, Joey and Kathy went back to bed, as well


	5. Chapter 5

Chandler woke up early the next morning, still groggy from the night before and decided that a walk would do him some good, and help clear his head. Joey and Kathy were still asleep, as Chandler grabbed his jacket and quietly left the apartment. The cool, brisk morning air seemed to wake him up some, as he made his way over to Central Perk. He sighed as he remembered he and Monica would always stop by Central Perk for some coffee, before going on one of their dates.

_I understand there's no future for us here  
Guess I fooled myself into thinking there was  
Now you've make it clear_

He still couldn't believe it was really over, and a part of him refused to admit that. He couldn't believe she was really gone, all because he couldn't be straight-forward and had to play these stupid games. He paused to look thru the window to see Monica and Richard sitting on the orange sofa... where he and Monica used to sit and talk. He watched them for a few more seconds, talking and laughing before he turned away to leave

_I'll never be right, Guess you knew it all along  
Now we've got to say good-bye and I've got to be strong  
So tell me one more time how it's better for the both of us  
Tell me one more time how we'll hurt each other if we stay  
Tell me one more time the darling there's just one more thing  
Before you walk away_

_Explain it to my heart  
It's better that we're over now  
Tell me one more time that this it's suppose to be  
Tell me that I'm better off without you  
How it's better to forget about you  
Darling I understand  
Now won't you please explain it to my heart_

"How are you doing", Ross asked as he bumped into Chandler. He shrugged, saying he was ok, but could be doing better. Ross nodded, saying he wished there was something he could do. "Thanks man, but it's my own damned fault", Ross said "Come on, I'll buy you some coffee". Chandler shook his head, saying he didn't feel like any coffee, and Ross frowned and said "Then why'd you come all the way down here. C'mon man, you can't avoid them for the rest of your life", as he grabbed Chandler's hand, forcing him inside_Now if I try I can see the reasons why  
Why we can't stay together I might convince my mind  
But it's breaking my heart to know I've got to let you go  
To find that I must leave behind the only love I've known_

Chandler walks up to the counter, pretending he does not see Monica and Richard, and asks Gunther for a decaf, as Monica approaches and says "Hey, are you doing ok". Chandler doesn't turn around and said "Yeah, just peachy", as he takes the coffee and turns to leave. "Chandler, don't do this", Monica said as he turned around, "Don't pretend that you're not upset or angry"

_Well I can tell myself that I never really needed you  
I can tell myself that it's better just to say good-bye  
I can tell myself a thousand lies  
But tell me now  
Tell me how I do  
Explain it to my heart__It's better that we're over now  
Tell me one more time that this it's suppose to be  
Tell me that I'm better off without you  
How it's better to forget about you  
Darling I understand  
Now won't you please explain it to my heart_

"I'm not upset with you, Mon. I'm upset with me... upset that I didn't take 'us' more seriously", Chandler said with a defeated sigh. Monica smiled and said "I know you are, sweetie, and I know that you'll find somebody who is perfect for you, and one day you look back, and I'll just be a girl you knew". Chandler shook his head and said "No you won't. I don't care if I go out with 1000 other women, there's no way any of them will ever compare with you._Say that I'll be better  
If we don't stay together  
Say that I'll be better off free  
But don't say it to me  
Explain it to my heart_

_Explain it to my heart  
It's better that we're over now  
Tell me one more time that this it's suppose to be  
Tell me that I'm better off without you  
How it's better to forget about you  
Darling I understand  
Now won't you please explain it to my heart _

As Chandler left, he turned to Richard and said "I hope you know what you have, there. And I hope you treat her right, or I'll be there to kick your ass"


	6. Chapter 6

About 3 months have come and gone, and Chandler had moved out of the apartment, as it reminded him too much of Monica. Of course everybody voiced their protest, but fell on deaf ears, as Chandler was set on moving, and chose a nice apartment near Times Square, overlooking the Empire State Building. 'But that's 4 trains away', Joey cried out and Chandler said 'I know, buddy. I just need a place that's mine. This isn't my apartment... it was Monica's.

Joey was especially angry at his best friend leaving, as it felt like Chandler wasn't just leaving Monica... he was leaving all of them, but finally understood why Chandler felt he had to leave. He was surrounded by constant reminders of Monica, and right now, he needed to be as far away from that, as possible. Rachel constantly called, to see if he was doing ok, as well as Phoebe, who begged him to meet them at Central Perk. They even came to his apartment a few times, but Chandler pretended he was not home. He loved his friends, but didn't want or need their charity or pity.

Meanwhile, at Monica and Richards apartment, they were going over and inspecting the wedding invitations that just arrived. 'Should we send one to Chandler', Richard asked as he set his cigar down, and handed an invitation to Monica, along with a pen. "I don't know, it would be a little awkward", she replied as she twirled the pen in her fingers, pondering the situation. 'What about everybody else', Richard asked, as he paused to take a puff on his cigar

Monica took the pen, and addressed the invitations, and after some thinking, addressed one to Chandler as well. Monica left to deliver the invitations to her friends, as Richard left for work. She stopped by Central Perk where everybody else was already gathered and she handed out the invitations, and even stopped by to hand one to Gunther. "And I also have one for Chandler... if he'll ever talk to me again", she sighed as Rachel said Chandler pretty much drifted awey.

"Oh, God this is not how I wanted this to go", she said with a defeated sigh. "I know you didn't, and he'll come back around", her brother comforted. "Let's go and see him", Joey said and Monica said he probably just wanted to be alone, "No, he needs to snap out of this and face life again", Phoebe insisted as they all got in her taxi and drove for Chandler's apartment. They could see that his car was parked where it always was, and rationalized that he must be home.

Phoebe rang the door-bell, but there was no answer, and Ross pounded on the door, begging Chandler to open, but after a few minutes nothing happened. "This is not like him", Ross said as Joey told all of them to stand back. "Joey, you are NOT going to knock the door down", Monica said. Joey shouted "Chandler, if you don't open this door in 1 minute, I'll kick it down". Once again, he rang the doorbell and pounded on the door, but there was no answer.

Joey took a few steps back, and braced himself as he got a running start and threw the whole weight of his body against the door but it wouldn't budge. Undaunted, Joey tried again, this time the door flew open with a loud thud. Monica just shrugged as they entered the apartment, calling Chandler's name. They froze when they entered the living room, and saw Chandler slumped over the chair, with an empty bottle of pills at his feet

Monica frantically dialed 911, as Joey reached down and picked up a piece of paper that simply said "I know you guys told me to get on with my life, but without Monica, my life is not worth living"


	7. Chapter 7

It was several hours later, as the gang was in the hospital waiting room, anxiously waiting on any bit of news, as Chandler was in the Emergency Room. Leonard Green approaches the group, rubbing his forehead, looking exhausted. 'Daddy, how is he doing', Rachel asked and he said 'We're doing everything we can, baby'. Ross asked what that meant, medically speaking and Leonard sighed and said 'Ok, I'm going to level with you kids. Chandler is not doing too good, right now'. Monica gasped, and put her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle the sobs.

Ross looked visibly shocked, as Phoebe put her arm around Monica, gently stroking her arm as tears poured down Monica's face. 'Is he going to be ok', Monica choked and Leonard said 'Like I said, we're doing everything we can'. Leonard said Chandler had over-dosed on a popular painkiller and Ross was shocked and said 'How did he get his hands on pain-killers' and Leonard said these were over-the-counter and were easily obtainable. Rachel asked if they could see him and her father said they were still working on him, but could see him later and excused himself and went back to the Emergency Room as the rest of the gang was left in complete shock.

'I can't believe Chandler would do that to himself', Ross said as Joey got up, pacing around and said 'I hope to God Chandler's ok... because if he is, I'm gonna kill him'. Joey returned to his seat, but got up a few more times pacing around the waiting room and Phoebe finally had enough, grabbed his hand, forcing him to sit back down. 'Did I ever tell you guys that Chandler proposed to me', Monica asked

'He what', Ross exclaimed and she nodded, but said she turned him down. 'Why would you do that', Phoebe asked and Monica explained that Chandler didn't believe in marriage and was trying to use it as an excuse to avoid being alone'. Joey slowly got up and mumbled 'Oh, boy' and slowly walked to the exit as Monica called his name and Joey sighed and went back sat back down and said 'Ok, here's the thing... Chandler really did want to marry you. He was just trying to throw you off guard. You see, the night you broke up, he was going to propose'

'Oh my God, I am so stupid', Monica lamented, and then turned to Joey asking where Chandler got such a stupid idea. 'Hey, it was NOT a stupid idea', Joey retorted and Monica slapped him upside the head and said 'You? This is all YOUR idea', and slapped him upside the head again. 'Since when did you become devious', Ross asked. 'What have I done? I have just wrecked the best thing in my life', Monica sighed.

'Honey, there was no way you could have known', Phoebe consoled. Rachel asked about Richard and Monica replied 'I don't know. I guess we call it off'. Everybody stares at her, waiting for her to explain and she just shook her head and said 'I love Richard... but Chandler... he's life. He's my world. I guess I said yes to Richard, because I was afraid of being alone'. Monica got up and said 'I have to see him... tell him that I want to marry him'. Monica started towards the Emergency Room doors, but Rachel pulls her back and said 'Honey, you can't go in there...ok'.

It was close to 10pm when a Nurse informed them visiting hours were over and would call them, should Chandler's condition change. Monica replied she was staying as Ross tried to reason with her and said 'You heard the nurse. If Chandler's condition changes they'll call and there's nothing we can do until then'. Monica remained firm that she was staying and the nurse rolled her eyes, sensing it was a losing battle to argue with her and said 'Ok.. but just this once'.

Everybody else had already gone home, and when the nurse left her station, Monica snuck into the hospital ward, searching for Chandler's room and finally came across a room with a chart with the name 'C. Bing' written on the front, taped on the door. She quietly opened the dark room and saw Chandler sleeping peacefully. She sat down on an empty chair, next to him, gently stroking his hair, when the nigh-shift doctor entered the room and whispered to Monica 'I'm sorry, Miss but visiting hours were over, a long time ago'

'Please, please let me stay', she begged and the doctor shook his head and gently said 'I'm sorry, Miss but you really need to leave. Go home, get a good night's sleep and if you will give me your phone number, we'll call you'. The tears started to spill over as she tried to fight the sobs and said, in a shaky voice 'Please let me stay. Please'. The doctor sighed, but finally relented and went to a hall closet, and handed her a blanket and pillow, before checking Chandler's vital signs, making some notes on a chart'.

After the doctor left, Monica turned her attention to Chandler, who weakly reached up, grabbing her hand. 'Thanks for coming', he weakly said. 'No, thank you', she replied and Chandler mumbled 'for what'. She leaned in, and kissed him and said 'Yes, I'll marry you Chandler Bing'. By that time, Chandler was fully awake and alert and said 'What'? Monica laughed and said 'I said yes, I'll marry you, Chandler Bing'.

'But what about Richard', Chandler said and Monica said 'I love you, Chandler and this is what my heart wants'. She gently climbed onto the bed next to Chandler, lying down next to him and said 'I'm so sorry, honey. Sorry that I put you thru all of this and if you still want to marry me, I'll be yours forever'. Chandler replied that he would, but didn't have the ring anymore. 'That's ok, Chandler. A ring does not make a marriage... a marriage makes a marriage and believe me when I say you have made me happier than I thought I ever deserved to be. I love you, and only you. Chandler... this is what my heart wants'

The End


End file.
